Harper On Older Men

[kniteracy]

Harper on Older Men

Oh, hush. You know I don't mean it like that, exactly. Or if I do, I don't mean it exactly like that. Exactly.


Um, so how exactly do you mean it, Harper?

Well, it's like this. This is something I've noticed changing over the past few years, and just recently, it's come into full bloom as an opinion: I am really, really not interested in young men.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Of course you're not interested in young men, Harper; you're practically to granny age yourself; being interested in young men would make you a perv. Um, yeah. I mean, um, no. Years ago, years and years ago, I discovered that I no longer wanted to date men in their twenties: the testosterone-driven boy-drama was just too much. But I mean, I don't really even admire young men objectively anymore. Moreover, the ceiling for men I do admire objectively keeps getting higher.

Here's an example. A few weeks ago, filceolaire and I were out doing an errand for melismobile. We needed to take her harp by my luthier acquaintance MP's house so he could give it a good look and assess some repairs the instrument might need. MP has a nice comfy house in Charlton Village. MP is maybe 6'3", probably weighs well over 200 pounds, has shoulder-length white hair and a long but well-kept beard, and frankly I think he's really cute. He has properly crinkly twinkly eyes, a lovely singing voice, and a good, comfortable conversational style. When we were at his house, he told us he'd only really been singing for about eleven years. "He started," his wife said proudly, "when he was fifty-nine." My goodness. I have smiled engagingly at a seventy-year-old man and found him not at all unattractive. Amusingly enough, there were several jokes made at the last Folkmob gathering about his really being Santa Claus. Now, some of you out there might be saying, "Eww! Harper! What's wrong with you?" but I'm really not sure there is anything wrong with me.

I see all kinds of young men on the Tube, nearly every day. London is not exactly an isolated hamlet: there are attractive men everywhere here, and I do look at them. But honestly, cocky young guys posing for their friends or whatever attractive woman happens to walk by just don't interest me anymore. Yawn. Been there, done that, bored myself to tears, I don't want him, you can have him, he's too young for me! I find myself smirking on the down escalator at Baker Street every afternoon, watching twenty- and thirty-something men, alone or in packs, riding up the other side of the escalator, with their little chin thrusts and their little hand gestures and te cocky language and the just-loud-enough-to-overhear conversation. Yawn. I mean, yawn.

Can I look at film stars and find them attractive? Sure, but Little Danny Radcliffe doesn't really do it for me. OK, I'm with lots of folks in the "Rickman is Hot" camp, but he's at least in his mid-forties. Yum. Harrison Ford gets more attractive every year. Tom Cruise, who had his ageing genes disconnected when he met the aliens (I think he was 19 or something) is still too young for me at 42. Ew.

Now, before y'all go smug and analytical on me and start accusing me of having an unresolved Daddy fetish, I'll cop to it right now: I probably have an unresolved Daddy fetish. But I'm not talking about an attitude thing, or the need to be taken care of, or even kinky sex. I'm talking about pure aesthetics.

My husband is eleven years older than I am. He will turn 51 in just a few months. His greying hair is wonderful. His crinkly eyes are beautiful. The creases in his porcelain-fine, Irish skin are deep and perfect. His narrow shoulders, slender arms, and downright bony knees are adorable. Everything from the tired weight of his brow when he thinks I'm not looking to the over-the-top eyebrow waggle when he knows I am looking is a treat for the eye.

And who could not admire such a man? Young men, prancing about and drawing attention to themselves, are nowhere near as interesting to me as a mature man walking purposefully, a man who knows where he's going and is completely confident that he'll get there. The most attractive older men have grown out of the need to be right all the time, shelved their bravado for wisdom and temperance, and haven't got this insane desire to prove themselves, over and over again, to anybody who'll pay attention to them.

When I look back at my checkered relationship history, I find it funny that I fell for the bravado trick so many times. If a man talked a good game, I was inclined to believe him. I think that's because I had never seen a real man quietly prove himself through action, loyalty and ardour. When all you have are words, words are what you have, I suppose.

I can't even think of who the current male heartthrobs are today. It actually takes an IMDB search for me to remember Orlando Bloom's name. Ih. He was OK as an elf, I suppose, but, you know. Give me John Rhys-Davies. Give me Sean Bean. Heck, give me Christopher Lee. No, really. I suppose I've never been attracted to the stereotypical heartthrob-type body. I always sort of liked the Oliver Platts and Robbie Coltranes of the world, and I like them even more now they're greying and creasing.

So I think, some days, as I'm walking from Baker Street to the bus stop at the original Lord's Cricket Ground, looking at all these lovely greyhaired men in their long winter coats, taking their measured steps, with something more on their minds than whether or not they'll pull some Kent girl on Friday night-- I think, wow. Wouldn't the woman who gets to sit across from this one or that one at dinner, the woman who gets to cuddle with that fellow, wouldn't she be lucky. I like to think that everywhere my beloved goes, when he walks down the street, women who are like me look at him, and they think that same thing:

Isn't the woman who gets to wake up with that one-- isn't she lucky?

You bet I am.

Comments

[figmo.livejournal.com]

I'm totally with you on that one. Younger men have never really "done it" for me.

When I met Warren there were lots of young and cute guys around the radio complex, but it was Warren who stuck in my mind. There's something about that depth of character thing that only comes with age, and it's nice to be old enough to appreciate it.

[telynor.livejournal.com]

There's something about that depth of character thing that only comes with age, and it's nice to be old enough to appreciate it.

Agreed. In my case, it's also nice enough not to be so afraid of what other people will think that I actually allowed it to happen. For a long time, I only involved myself with losers who would hurt me. I suppose I thought I deserved it.

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

You certainly are. :)

[telynor.livejournal.com]

Well, you're not exactly unlucky yourself-- even though I've all but admitted that autographedcat is too young for me in this post. :)

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

Yes, I noticed that. *G* I'm afraid your "target age range" is changing faster than he can keep up.

[telynor.livejournal.com]

Well, y'know.

Exceptions get made. ;)

[otherdeb.livejournal.com]

Given my fiance, this will sound weird, but I definitely agree with you. (In fact, one of the hardest things for him was proving he wasn't like all the other guys his age.)

And Joe is hot!

Then again, I think that I've always been more concerned about how a person is than what he/she looks like.

[telynor.livejournal.com]

I think that most young men have certain brash and dramatic characteristics in common that I mostly prefer to avoid. ;)

[otherdeb.livejournal.com]

Yeah, most of them do.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

I've never found younger men attractive, the only heart-throb I had from my teens onwards was Sean Connery, couldn't see why all my friends were swooning over the fresh-faced young popstars, and I much prefer a lot of these famous people as they get older, tho Harrison is getting a tad bit wrinkled these days, but then again I was never mad keen on him. Pierce Brosnan is aging nicley, I notice.

And Forest is of course 10 years older than me, and aren't bearded men sexy too? Aragorn in Lord of the Rings is very attractive cos he's bearded and looks older, btw.

So what about women, do they have to be young or old? We watched a dvd of Blondie videos the other night (I assume you know Blondie, late 70s singer/band?) She is very cute in her younger incarnation on the older videos, all pouty and pert but the recent video for the song Maria, when she's a grown woman, with curves and a husky voice? Hella lot more attractive to me, that's for sure :)

[telynor.livejournal.com]

When it comes to women, I suppose the only consistent things I could say would be that I have a weakness for redheads with brains. I also like women who are more decisive and assertive than I am, but that is very likely just the way I'm wired, period. And it may also be that there are very few people who are less decisive and assertive than I am, so maybe it's just a survival instinct. ;)

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

I've never found younger men attractive, the only heart-throb I had from my teens onwards was Sean Connery

Mine was Derek Jacobi. None of my friends got that at all. :-)

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

He's nice, especially the voice, though finding Cadfael sexy is worrying, I think... :)

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

Oh, but he's a monk, not a priest. I wouldn't feel one bit guilty about that. :-)

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

Ah, one kind of celibate robed member of a religious organisation is different from the other then? ::giggle::

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

Heck, yeah. Just don't tell Prior Robert.

[telynor.livejournal.com]

You two are having too much fun this afternoon! ;) (As an aside, I think he's cute, too.)

[fionnabhar.livejournal.com]

Hehe. It's only 8:00 a.m. here, so imagine how much fun I can still have today!

[beige-alert.livejournal.com]

I, it must be concluded, like older women. My girlfriend is 22 years older than I am. We've known each other for a decade, though how long we've been in a romantic relationship is partly a matter of what definition you use. I've dated two other women who were each 16 years older than me. I really don't know what conclusion to draw from this, but such are the facts. My father, conversely, was 20 years older than my mother. Maybe I always just assumed that couples are supposed to differ in age by about twenty years. It worked for them, after all.

[telynor.livejournal.com]

I don't think I've ever had a man be attracted to me because I was older than he was (or becauseI was younger), although I did decide after one painful experience that dating someone significantly younger than me was just out of the question. I'm not sure why it is working so well the other way, but it is!

[niquildrvr.livejournal.com]

Young men, prancing about and drawing attention to themselves, are nowhere near as interesting to me as a mature man walking purposefully, a man who knows where he's going and is completely confident that he'll get there.

Amen, sister!

[telynor.livejournal.com]

*chuckle*

Yeah, but autifon's not old. ;)

[peteralway.livejournal.com]

THis post gives me hope, as do some replies.

[telynor.livejournal.com]

As well it should. Cuddly, greying, musically interesting and a rocket scientist? What's not to like?

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

What she said!

[artbeco.livejournal.com]

bravo! and agreed. ;)

[telynor.livejournal.com]

I did once make it_aint_easy blush and stutter when I introduced him as "the best looking man in filk." And I wasn't kidding.

[artbeco.livejournal.com]

So funny, because I was looking at your icon of Joe and thinking he looks so much like Paul they could be brothers. Must be that Irish blood or something. ;) And we have good taste in men, huh? At least after learning to stop kissing the toads, that is...

[telynor.livejournal.com]

I would say we do, yes. :)

[jslove.livejournal.com]

Target age is really a funny thing. It can be very consistent, but in different ways.

When I was about ten, my father, 40, married a woman who was 20. Or maybe I was 11, she was 21, and he was 41; I forget. I found this very undignified. His third and fourth wives were closer to his age, though; I think he learned something about the difference between attractiveness and compatibility.

My target age has always been two years younger than I am, plus or minus two. Of course, at age 20, this made me fairly typical, but at age 49, 47 looks exactly right to me, which I have found to be less typical. 40 would be, in most cases, much too young. I've never understood people who obsess about media figures.

I have a good friend who married a woman 20 years his senior. Poof, instant grandfather. I think they have been married more than 15 years at this point; I've lost track. Longer if you count the time they were living together. I can't say how consistent he was, though.

I really don't know much about what attracts women; it's always been kind of a black box to me. I'm always surprised and delighted to find out I'm in someone's sights, even if I don't reciprocate, or even run screaming from the idea of a relationship.

I do recall a (white female) friend in college who invariably dated black men; preferences (fixations) are not just about age. (My target height seems to be 5'2".)

Somehow I do not recall ever acting quite the way you describe young men acting, although there is probably some nerd equivalent. Mostly, the need to prove myself was to employers and peers rather than women; I do recall one rather glaring exception to this when I was 19.

You're very lucky to wake up next to someone you love, regardless of the ages. Attraction is very plastic; if it didn't start out that way, what I love comes to be attractive rather quickly.

[telynor.livejournal.com]

Attraction is very plastic; if it didn't start out that way, what I love comes to be attractive rather quickly.

I agree with you. The more I know and love someone, the more attractive they are to me. In the past, I have made the mistake of ascribing their good characteristics to people who look like them. I think this is one reason I was initially attracted to my ex-husband: he looked a little bit like my first husband.

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

Absolutely. To the extent I presently have a physical "type" I'm attracted to, it's specifically because two people I loved a lot happened to resemble that type and although I didn't start out finding it attractive, I now do even in other people I don't know at all yet.

[folkmew.livejournal.com]

Lovely! I agree for sure. Although, as I get older I find that I appreciate aesthetically men much younger than I used to, but purely on the aesthetic level (I know, I know, you're all saying "Oh suuuuure" but honestly!) I admire their youth but it's more in a "mother of sons" kind of way.

When it comes to men I'd actually want to have a liason romantically with (or just a good fantasy even) I go for older men. I wasn't kidding when everyone was gonzo over Frodo and Legolas and I said "Nah, give me Gandalf, or maybe Elrich." I much prefer Dumbledore (the first) to most of the other men in the movies (though I'd take Lupin too). I've always thought Liam Neeson was hot ever since seeing him in Rob Roy (yum yum!) and I totally agree with you on Harrison Ford, didn't much care in Star Wars but the older he gets the more I appreciate him.

Ed will be 50 in a year or two (jeeze, I suppose I should know that... let's see... 1958... ok 3 years) and I find his greying hair, his laugh lines, and most especially the very hard worked talented hands to be incredibly sexy. Even the receding hair doesn't bother me (though at a certain point I may insist he find a new cut since the riff raff style just doesn't do it for me ;-)

Three cheers for older men!! (And us "getting older" women too!)

[telynor.livejournal.com]

I love Ed's hair. :)

[lothie.livejournal.com]

You know, you're equating youth with immaturity and that's neither accurate nor fair.

OTOH, your attitude towards young men leaves more for me, since I'm surely not interested in older men.

Well, except I wouldn't shove Joe out of bed. ;)

[telynor.livejournal.com]

I suppose I see it less as equating youth with immaturity than equating age with maturity, which probably is no more fair than the first generalisation. I don't mind leaving more for you, sweetie.

Of course, in my experience, youthful people who make a big fuss when people suggest that they have a lot to learn are often the greenest apples in the orchard, but that's just my experience.

And it's hard to shove Joe out of bed. I know he's skinny and stuff, but the guy is solid. It's really amazing how much strength there is in those wiry little arms. O:-)

[celtickath.livejournal.com]

I really had to think about the younger men thing! I'm either VERY interested in men or taking a break. I've been taking a rather long break. My last boyfriend was 8 years my junior, and the 10 year younger than me Irish/Italian specimen was more mature and stable than yours truly! Having had the privilege of meeting Joe and attending the & Gwen's hand fasting I do concur that he's a fabulously handsome gentleman. I'm guessing part of your thinking Harper may be the gray matter between the ears that adds much to attractiveness!
Kathleen in Atlanta

[catalana.livejournal.com]

Here I am catching up on a few journals and I just have to say...

Yes, yes, yes!

*grin* Older men are fantastic. Okay, some of it is that a) most people are older than me, b) young guys are kind of idiots, and c) I don't date anyone who reminds me too much of one of my students. But still, older men are just *yummy*.

Okay, I'll be quiet now.