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kniteracyCulture Shock? After All This Time? You Bet!
Or, Give me hot dogs, or give me death!
Partly due to being colossally fucked over by Tesco Online, your Harper has learned something new!
You see, I didn't just roll over and stop ordering groceries to be delivered. Nope, I tried out two competitors at the same time, Ocado/Waitrose and Sainsbury's Online Groceries. I'm less familiar with the Waitrose product lines, so that took a little while and was kind of expensive. Sainsbury's I've shopped at quite a lot, so it was easy to choose the things I usually buy there. I kept the grocery list to premium meats and specialty items from Waitrose/Ocado and regular everyday things from Sainsbury's, and that's where the trouble began.
I figured I might as well check what Sainsbury's had on offer (sale items, for you Americans out there), and it turned out they had hot dog buns going cheap, two packages for one! Wahoo! Well, I hadn't had hot dogs in awhile, in a long time-- and now I know I must not ever have had hot dogs in the UK. Because of course after I put the buns in my shopping basket, I realised I must then procure hot dogs.
All you Americans are thinking, Well, of course you needed hot dogs, Harper. You just navigate over to "meats," and look wherever they put the sausages, and you'll find them, little packages of frankfurters, beef or chicken or pork, various levels of goodness to horribleness reflected mostly in the price and ingredient level. These items will come in packages of six or eight hot dogs, and they will appear in plastic packets, shrink wrapped and vacuum sealed, with labels that beg you to cut them open for the hot-doggy goodness inside.
You English people have not got over the ridiculous idea that you would look in the "meat" section for hot dogs! No, no; you find hot dogs in canned goods, and they come with whatever meats the manufacturer decided to put in them, usually a combination of pork, beef, and chicken-- and they are tinned in brine. Various degrees of quality are available, but even the premium hot dogs come in a tin. The only variety of the item called "hot dogs" that does not come in a tin? Meatless. I am not making this up. Meatless hot dogs (an oxymoron equivalent to "gourmet hot dogs" are in the frozen food section, presumably because if you tinned them in brine they would dissolve!
Oh. My. God.
What. The Fuck.
Apparently, hot dogs are never barbecued. Go figure.
It's bad enough that "relish" means "canned stuff without pickles," almost all of which are called "gherkins." And don't even think of trying to find kosher dill hamburger slices here. Coney Island-style chili? Forget it. Oh, and chilli has two Ls, just for good measure.
Still, in the spirit of free-spirited exploration that is my trademark, I bought two tins of "Sainsbury's Hot Dogs, Premium x8 400g," at a price of £1.18. Of course, nobody in the UK will really understand how I like to eat hot dogs. Most people in the US barely understand it. Don't worry: I will reveal my secret below, but don't forget to watch this space for the exciting results of the English Hot Dog Experiment.
Read how I like to eat hot dogs below. If you're squeamish, just remember the banana sandwiches.
OK, how does the harper eat hot dogs?
Well, when I was a little girl, I did not like hot dogs very much, although my brother and sister loved them. Still, I was taught to eat what was put in front of me, so I did. One night, my dad made something called a "scrambled dog." And he told me this story. You see, when my dad was young, he did not like hot dogs ovemuch, either. When he was in the army, he used to go to this little diner and they sold this thing called a scrambled dog, and he loved it, but he didn't eat them very much because they were a big mess. It was awfully cheap, though, and eating scrambled dogs was how he got to like hot dogs.
You take a hot dog bun, and you put ketchup and mustard and relish and whatever else you usually put in the bun before you put the hot dog in (if that's nothing, it's fine; you can put stuff on afterward, too). Place the cooked hot dog into the bun. Now take a fork and a knife and cut the hot dog up in to several little pieces. You will get the bun all messed up at this time. Do not panic. This behaviour on the part of the hot dog bun is expected. Now you have a plate with a big messy cut-up hot dog that may once have been in a bun on it. Add ketchup by squirting it artfully over the hot dog. Add mustard if you want or more pickle relish if you want. Dump four or five generous spoonfuls of fairly cheap and nasty hot dog chili over the hot dog, top with diced onion, grated cheddar cheese, and oyster crackers* **, and you've got yourself a scrambled dog! Best eat it with a fork.
Much like my love for banana sandwiches, the Scrambled Dog occasionally fosters strong reactions in people. Will 73 people want to express their opinions about hot dogs here? Only time will tell.
*Oyster crackers, for you English people who will not know what they are, are small, round crackers that are served mostly in soup in the US, and I have no idea if you can get them in the UK, but you can read a little bit about them here.
**I've used saltine crackers in the US, crumbled, when I didn't have oyster crackers. Here in the UK, where there are no saltines (another tragedy!), I have learned to substitute cream crackers, which are not quite as good as saltines, so that is probably what I will do when I build my scrambled dog.
Or, Give me hot dogs, or give me death!
Partly due to being colossally fucked over by Tesco Online, your Harper has learned something new!
You see, I didn't just roll over and stop ordering groceries to be delivered. Nope, I tried out two competitors at the same time, Ocado/Waitrose and Sainsbury's Online Groceries. I'm less familiar with the Waitrose product lines, so that took a little while and was kind of expensive. Sainsbury's I've shopped at quite a lot, so it was easy to choose the things I usually buy there. I kept the grocery list to premium meats and specialty items from Waitrose/Ocado and regular everyday things from Sainsbury's, and that's where the trouble began.
I figured I might as well check what Sainsbury's had on offer (sale items, for you Americans out there), and it turned out they had hot dog buns going cheap, two packages for one! Wahoo! Well, I hadn't had hot dogs in awhile, in a long time-- and now I know I must not ever have had hot dogs in the UK. Because of course after I put the buns in my shopping basket, I realised I must then procure hot dogs.
All you Americans are thinking, Well, of course you needed hot dogs, Harper. You just navigate over to "meats," and look wherever they put the sausages, and you'll find them, little packages of frankfurters, beef or chicken or pork, various levels of goodness to horribleness reflected mostly in the price and ingredient level. These items will come in packages of six or eight hot dogs, and they will appear in plastic packets, shrink wrapped and vacuum sealed, with labels that beg you to cut them open for the hot-doggy goodness inside.
You English people have not got over the ridiculous idea that you would look in the "meat" section for hot dogs! No, no; you find hot dogs in canned goods, and they come with whatever meats the manufacturer decided to put in them, usually a combination of pork, beef, and chicken-- and they are tinned in brine. Various degrees of quality are available, but even the premium hot dogs come in a tin. The only variety of the item called "hot dogs" that does not come in a tin? Meatless. I am not making this up. Meatless hot dogs (an oxymoron equivalent to "gourmet hot dogs" are in the frozen food section, presumably because if you tinned them in brine they would dissolve!
Oh. My. God.
What. The Fuck.
Apparently, hot dogs are never barbecued. Go figure.
It's bad enough that "relish" means "canned stuff without pickles," almost all of which are called "gherkins." And don't even think of trying to find kosher dill hamburger slices here. Coney Island-style chili? Forget it. Oh, and chilli has two Ls, just for good measure.
Still, in the spirit of free-spirited exploration that is my trademark, I bought two tins of "Sainsbury's Hot Dogs, Premium x8 400g," at a price of £1.18. Of course, nobody in the UK will really understand how I like to eat hot dogs. Most people in the US barely understand it. Don't worry: I will reveal my secret below, but don't forget to watch this space for the exciting results of the English Hot Dog Experiment.
Read how I like to eat hot dogs below. If you're squeamish, just remember the banana sandwiches.
OK, how does the harper eat hot dogs?
Well, when I was a little girl, I did not like hot dogs very much, although my brother and sister loved them. Still, I was taught to eat what was put in front of me, so I did. One night, my dad made something called a "scrambled dog." And he told me this story. You see, when my dad was young, he did not like hot dogs ovemuch, either. When he was in the army, he used to go to this little diner and they sold this thing called a scrambled dog, and he loved it, but he didn't eat them very much because they were a big mess. It was awfully cheap, though, and eating scrambled dogs was how he got to like hot dogs.
You take a hot dog bun, and you put ketchup and mustard and relish and whatever else you usually put in the bun before you put the hot dog in (if that's nothing, it's fine; you can put stuff on afterward, too). Place the cooked hot dog into the bun. Now take a fork and a knife and cut the hot dog up in to several little pieces. You will get the bun all messed up at this time. Do not panic. This behaviour on the part of the hot dog bun is expected. Now you have a plate with a big messy cut-up hot dog that may once have been in a bun on it. Add ketchup by squirting it artfully over the hot dog. Add mustard if you want or more pickle relish if you want. Dump four or five generous spoonfuls of fairly cheap and nasty hot dog chili over the hot dog, top with diced onion, grated cheddar cheese, and oyster crackers* **, and you've got yourself a scrambled dog! Best eat it with a fork.
Much like my love for banana sandwiches, the Scrambled Dog occasionally fosters strong reactions in people. Will 73 people want to express their opinions about hot dogs here? Only time will tell.
*Oyster crackers, for you English people who will not know what they are, are small, round crackers that are served mostly in soup in the US, and I have no idea if you can get them in the UK, but you can read a little bit about them here.
**I've used saltine crackers in the US, crumbled, when I didn't have oyster crackers. Here in the UK, where there are no saltines (another tragedy!), I have learned to substitute cream crackers, which are not quite as good as saltines, so that is probably what I will do when I build my scrambled dog.
